First off one quick thing to address - 2012 will be the year of the GGtS! Meaning I will make a solid effort to update daily even if it's only a quick one but this is something I've wanted to pursue & hopefully any readers enjoy my odd posts about sports.
Now on to the actual post which is more a psychotic rant of my biggest pet peeves regarding trips to the gym. So in no particular order (unless I change my mind, which I might) here are my following peeves:
1. If there is an entire row of treadmills/ellipticals/bikes do NOT & I repeat, do NOT take the one directly next to me or any other poor soul. Maybe you want to watch the TV I'm in front of. Maybe you're thinking I'll be a talker & help your workout fly by. Think again. You can see the row of TVs just fine if you're one more over from it. I listen to music so loud I wouldn't be able to hear a fire alarm going off. Also, I don't like people as a general rule of thumb & that only heightens the second I get to the gym. So keep to the rule I always go by: pick a station that has no one on either side if possible. If it's not possible, well then avoid the sweaty, brunette girl, wearing a Bruins tee, glaring at you & just move right along the row.
2. I sweat. Like...a lot. Picture a 400 lb dude changing another 400 lb dude that just stole his bucket of KFC. Now take the combined amount those two tubbos sweat in their sprint for crispy fried perfection & you'll get a picture of how I look when/after working out. So looking like that the absolute last thing I want is for you - friend and foe (stranger) alike - to talk to me. If I know you - wave. If I don't & for some bizarre reason you feel the desire to talk to me just don't. Odds are I'll smile tightly, give a one word response & move along.
3. We get it - there will always be super attractive people in the world. Unfortunately these super attractive humans also go to the gym (annoying, I know.) If you're skinny & fit: awesome. That's not an easy feat to accomplish nowadays with all the deliciously terrible food there is in the world. But please, for the love of God, do not look at us lesser mortals as though we don't deserve to be in the same area as you are. Yes I am breathing as though my lung is about to appear on the bottom of this treadmill & go 'SPLAT' right into the wall but I'm trying. I'm at the gym in order to appear a bit more like you as hard as that may be to believe. So stop looking at me with disgust, or I just might aim my vom in your direction when it all becomes too much.
4. For the love of all that's holy, wipe your machine down! I don't like doing it either but it must be done. My skin is uber sensitive & is pretty much allergic to my own sweat let alone all the nastiness of other peoples' residue left all over the machines.
Welp, that's it for right now.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Monday, November 21, 2011
FFF - the Bye-Guy Follow Up
So I took my complaint about not getting my easy Bye game to a higher power in our league - the Commish.
I verbally harassed, in the usual manner of virtual yelling (caps lock), the commissioner of my league on gchat about how I had yet to have my opportunity to play the crappy team. My outrage was meant with confusion that I had yet to play our BG and an appropriate amount of sympathy about the fact that my team is absolutely terrible. That was until our commissioner paid a little visit to the history of our league and saw that I played the BG in Week 2, prior to his reveal as notorious Fantasy Football figure that he went on to be.
Crap (insert blushing, over-reactive emoticon here.)
I verbally harassed, in the usual manner of virtual yelling (caps lock), the commissioner of my league on gchat about how I had yet to have my opportunity to play the crappy team. My outrage was meant with confusion that I had yet to play our BG and an appropriate amount of sympathy about the fact that my team is absolutely terrible. That was until our commissioner paid a little visit to the history of our league and saw that I played the BG in Week 2, prior to his reveal as notorious Fantasy Football figure that he went on to be.
Crap (insert blushing, over-reactive emoticon here.)
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Fantasy Football Figures: the Bye-Guy
Welcome to the second installment of FFF! This week we address what most people would refer to in their league as "the Ghost" or in my view: the Bye-Guy.
Not much can be said of this elusive & sly character as he is an anomaly in most leagues. While there can be a number of Zealots in any given league, there tends to be only one Bye-Guy.
How to recognize him:
1. Might be gungho in the beginning while discussing the league & agreeing to participate or he could have been dragged in against his own free will in order to even out the number of teams in the league. Either way, it's hard to spot the Bye-Guy in the beginning.
2. Usually auto-drafts in a league that frowns upon auto-draft coming up with a lame excuse why he couldn't: "I hit traffic & won't be at a computer," "I'm out to dinner - I'll log in as soon as I get home," "I broke my mouse-clicking finger" etc. etc.
3. Reveals himself in the second or third week at the earliest. As telling by the fact that a) he NEVER sets his line-up, b) makes no moves on the waiver-wire, c) leaves in players on the IR and d) (the most obvious) leaves players in who are on a Bye (defined: each team gets a "Bye week" for the season where they do not play. Therefore, their players are unable to score points.)
4. Is viewed by the rest of the league as an easy win & a chance to relax a bit. Similar to a real Bye game for the fantasy world hence the term Bye-Guy.
There you have it, its a short & (not so) sweet description of the most frustrating member of your league. I for one have apparently managed to be the only one NOT playing against our Bye-Guy which is crap because I'm at the bottom of the barrel & am forced to play another good team because the gods of yahoo.com are against me winning. Bush league.
Not much can be said of this elusive & sly character as he is an anomaly in most leagues. While there can be a number of Zealots in any given league, there tends to be only one Bye-Guy.
How to recognize him:
1. Might be gungho in the beginning while discussing the league & agreeing to participate or he could have been dragged in against his own free will in order to even out the number of teams in the league. Either way, it's hard to spot the Bye-Guy in the beginning.
2. Usually auto-drafts in a league that frowns upon auto-draft coming up with a lame excuse why he couldn't: "I hit traffic & won't be at a computer," "I'm out to dinner - I'll log in as soon as I get home," "I broke my mouse-clicking finger" etc. etc.
3. Reveals himself in the second or third week at the earliest. As telling by the fact that a) he NEVER sets his line-up, b) makes no moves on the waiver-wire, c) leaves in players on the IR and d) (the most obvious) leaves players in who are on a Bye (defined: each team gets a "Bye week" for the season where they do not play. Therefore, their players are unable to score points.)
4. Is viewed by the rest of the league as an easy win & a chance to relax a bit. Similar to a real Bye game for the fantasy world hence the term Bye-Guy.
There you have it, its a short & (not so) sweet description of the most frustrating member of your league. I for one have apparently managed to be the only one NOT playing against our Bye-Guy which is crap because I'm at the bottom of the barrel & am forced to play another good team because the gods of yahoo.com are against me winning. Bush league.
Monday, November 14, 2011
The Must-Know Movie: Hockey Edition
Now, recently I've become aware of the fact that I know a bit more about sports than the average girl. I'm semi-proud of this & semi-ashamed because sometimes I'm pretty sure God started to make me a boy then halfway through changed his mind. Two recent occasions made me realize there is half-pride, half-shame in my sporting knowledge:
Two separate nights out, in two separate party atmospheres (one bar, one Halloween house party) I managed to spend the majority of the evening chatting with members of the opposite sex about...you guessed it, sports! Both were impressed by my knowledge, neither were interested in me as a girl - go figure.
BUT I think that's because when I get on a sport roll, I don't shut up so my recommendation is that a little bit of knowledge spread evenly might work which gave me the idea for this particular blog as this is meant to be a helpful guide to girls who potentially don't know much about the wide and varied world of sports.
So let this be my first "self-help" blog for the girl hunting a hockey hunk!
Say you're at your local watering hole & a dude like this:
catches your eye. What on earth will you talk to about with this stunning specimen of a gent? Using your powers of deductive reasoning you decide the bloke must play puck so you approach him, sipping your Molson Canadian brew and make your initial contact. He casually mentions he plays hockey & immediately you try to think of something witty & fun to say that will ensnare him. That's where this info comes in!
The hockey must know movie, regardless of the age of the player, is without a doubt:
Slap Shot (1977)
I don't exactly recommend this as an opening pickup line because that would be a bit weird but subtly thread it into the conversation if the topic of hockey comes up. While I strongly recommend watching the flick as it is extremely funny (although rated R in every sense of the word) here's a crib sheet if you don't feel like spending 120 minutes of your life watching Paul Newman in all his blue-eyed glory.
Must know characters:
Reggie Dunlop played by Hollywood hunk Paul Newman. Dunlop is the player/coach of the Charleston Chiefs (yes, you without a doubt should also know the name of the team.) He has some money one-liners and is overall the heart & soul of the team. One of my favorite (& warning - more inappropriate) one-liner is:
Opposing Player (name not necessary): "Dunlop, you suck cock.
Reggie Dunlop: "All I can get."
So that gives you a bit of perspective on the type of movie it is.
Other necessary scenes/players to know:
Hanson brothers - these guys:
NOT these guys:
The Hanson brothers are resident goons/dim-wit fighters. Watch this brief clip to get the gist of them, they're awesome.
Bonus tip: at one point in the movie the Hanson brothers go into the stands to fight fans due to a bottle that hits one of the brothers. If your hockey prey is in Boston, you can mention the '79 Bruins going into the stands at Madison Square Garden & Mike Milbury beating a guy with his own shoe. (Clip of Slap Shot with Bruins announcer from that fight seen here.)
There you have it, its short & sweet & will impress that dude until your shining, girly personality wins him over. Happy hockey hunting!
Two separate nights out, in two separate party atmospheres (one bar, one Halloween house party) I managed to spend the majority of the evening chatting with members of the opposite sex about...you guessed it, sports! Both were impressed by my knowledge, neither were interested in me as a girl - go figure.
BUT I think that's because when I get on a sport roll, I don't shut up so my recommendation is that a little bit of knowledge spread evenly might work which gave me the idea for this particular blog as this is meant to be a helpful guide to girls who potentially don't know much about the wide and varied world of sports.
So let this be my first "self-help" blog for the girl hunting a hockey hunk!
Say you're at your local watering hole & a dude like this:
The hockey must know movie, regardless of the age of the player, is without a doubt:
Slap Shot (1977)
I don't exactly recommend this as an opening pickup line because that would be a bit weird but subtly thread it into the conversation if the topic of hockey comes up. While I strongly recommend watching the flick as it is extremely funny (although rated R in every sense of the word) here's a crib sheet if you don't feel like spending 120 minutes of your life watching Paul Newman in all his blue-eyed glory.
Must know characters:
Reggie Dunlop played by Hollywood hunk Paul Newman. Dunlop is the player/coach of the Charleston Chiefs (yes, you without a doubt should also know the name of the team.) He has some money one-liners and is overall the heart & soul of the team. One of my favorite (& warning - more inappropriate) one-liner is:
Opposing Player (name not necessary): "Dunlop, you suck cock.
Reggie Dunlop: "All I can get."
So that gives you a bit of perspective on the type of movie it is.
Other necessary scenes/players to know:
Hanson brothers - these guys:
The Hanson brothers are resident goons/dim-wit fighters. Watch this brief clip to get the gist of them, they're awesome.
Bonus tip: at one point in the movie the Hanson brothers go into the stands to fight fans due to a bottle that hits one of the brothers. If your hockey prey is in Boston, you can mention the '79 Bruins going into the stands at Madison Square Garden & Mike Milbury beating a guy with his own shoe. (Clip of Slap Shot with Bruins announcer from that fight seen here.)
There you have it, its short & sweet & will impress that dude until your shining, girly personality wins him over. Happy hockey hunting!
Tuesday, November 08, 2011
Fantasy Football Figures: the Zealot
As stated before I am a member of a fantasy football league that is made up mostly of males. In the past few years of playing FF I have found there are a number of characters that show up in every league, regardless of who you're playing with. So now that we're at the midway point of the season I'm introducing a new weekly segment to the blog: Fantasy Football Figures!
We'll start off with a bang & get this dude (read: douche) out of the way: the Zealot.
There's, at the very least, one of them in every league if not more depending on how seriously/how much money is put into a season. For my particular league this year there are a number of managers that take it pretty seriously (my own brother being one of them...along with most of the league now that I think of it) but there's always that one that takes it just over the line of dedication to winning and into the land of holy shit dude, relax, it's just fantasy football.
How to recognize the Zealot in your league:
1. Pre-draft message board posts to the entire league about how he's going to win & how even though the draft order is screwing him over he'll be screwing all of you the rest of the season. Bonus points if he asks what time/day the draft is via the message board when it is already noted at the top of the page and/or written multiple times via email prior to league set-up.
2. Does one or more of the following during the actual draft: a) pre-draft aggressive smack talk about anyone who is not logged in at starting time/set to auto-draft (may go so far as recommending expulsion); b) asks about the payout structure, making sure to mention how he just wants to make sure anyone that comes in second to him will at least get their money back; or c) COMMENTS LIKE THIS ABOUT EVERYTHING. & I MEAN EV.ER.Y.THING.
3. Every week he is the most aggressive in everything - waiver wire, trades attempted, smack talk, etc...in general he (or I suppose it could also be a she) just really makes the whole vibe of the league feel a bit uncomfortable.
4. Mid-way through the season there will be at least one potential blow-out via message board for some reason or another initiated by the Zealot. The idea for this post actually came from my own league where I now offer an actual quote (misspellings kept in & all):
"Attempting to make a trade like that deserves expolsion from the league. Its a disgrace! This league is a disgrace. I'm ashamed to be a member of this league. We have teams not setting lineups, bullshit trades & probably 4 or 5 teams who actually know what they are doing & give a shit about fantasy football."
And that my friends, is the Zealot.
We'll start off with a bang & get this dude (read: douche) out of the way: the Zealot.
There's, at the very least, one of them in every league if not more depending on how seriously/how much money is put into a season. For my particular league this year there are a number of managers that take it pretty seriously (my own brother being one of them...along with most of the league now that I think of it) but there's always that one that takes it just over the line of dedication to winning and into the land of holy shit dude, relax, it's just fantasy football.
How to recognize the Zealot in your league:
1. Pre-draft message board posts to the entire league about how he's going to win & how even though the draft order is screwing him over he'll be screwing all of you the rest of the season. Bonus points if he asks what time/day the draft is via the message board when it is already noted at the top of the page and/or written multiple times via email prior to league set-up.
2. Does one or more of the following during the actual draft: a) pre-draft aggressive smack talk about anyone who is not logged in at starting time/set to auto-draft (may go so far as recommending expulsion); b) asks about the payout structure, making sure to mention how he just wants to make sure anyone that comes in second to him will at least get their money back; or c) COMMENTS LIKE THIS ABOUT EVERYTHING. & I MEAN EV.ER.Y.THING.
3. Every week he is the most aggressive in everything - waiver wire, trades attempted, smack talk, etc...in general he (or I suppose it could also be a she) just really makes the whole vibe of the league feel a bit uncomfortable.
4. Mid-way through the season there will be at least one potential blow-out via message board for some reason or another initiated by the Zealot. The idea for this post actually came from my own league where I now offer an actual quote (misspellings kept in & all):
"Attempting to make a trade like that deserves expolsion from the league. Its a disgrace! This league is a disgrace. I'm ashamed to be a member of this league. We have teams not setting lineups, bullshit trades & probably 4 or 5 teams who actually know what they are doing & give a shit about fantasy football."
And that my friends, is the Zealot.
Monday, November 07, 2011
New Terms: Old-Man Ass
Ah, football season...what a delightful time of the year! Sundays spent on the couch with family, food & beer while aggressively screaming at the television every time your team, as well as your individual fantasy players ef up (unfortunately - I've done a lot of yelling as of late particularly after this past Sunday's Giants @ Patriots game. & the fact I lost my fantasy game to my brother who just screamingly laughed in my ear since he's the worst team in the league.)
Moving on, one of my favorite things about football season is not only the hours of entertainment, but also the fact that I'm still learning the game. Now when I first started getting really into football (season of 2008 - not the best for the Patriots seeing as Brady got knocked out within the first 8 minutes but that's not the point) I had no flippin' idea what I was watching & I was only allowed a few questions a game so I had to find different ways to amuse myself.
Cue me staring at men's bums in tight football pants.
Now realistically, not all men are going to have very nice assets because it really doesn't have much bearing on how well they play BUT for the most part, running backs, wide-receivers & QBs have very nice bums.
Examples:
Mr. Tom Brady (obvi I start with him.) Not a fabulous bum, but added with who he is I can't get enough of it.
Ugh, I feel shame adding this pic as a Patriots fan but as a woman, well...you can see why Sanchez is added here.
Reggie Bush. Not sure I have to say much more.
Now...while a good majority of the men look good that's not the point of this particular post (although, I kind of got away from the point while Googling bum images) so to continue on to the point: with all good things, there tends to be a downside.
BEWARE: this image may burn your retinas so proceed with caution:
Ew ew ew ew EW...note the saggy-ness. The jock strap line. The general aura of old, past your primeness.
Favre was the founding member of the Old-man Ass but he certainly won't be the last, so proceed with caution whilst ogling as the OMA can strike at any time.
Moving on, one of my favorite things about football season is not only the hours of entertainment, but also the fact that I'm still learning the game. Now when I first started getting really into football (season of 2008 - not the best for the Patriots seeing as Brady got knocked out within the first 8 minutes but that's not the point) I had no flippin' idea what I was watching & I was only allowed a few questions a game so I had to find different ways to amuse myself.
Cue me staring at men's bums in tight football pants.
Now realistically, not all men are going to have very nice assets because it really doesn't have much bearing on how well they play BUT for the most part, running backs, wide-receivers & QBs have very nice bums.
Examples:
Now...while a good majority of the men look good that's not the point of this particular post (although, I kind of got away from the point while Googling bum images) so to continue on to the point: with all good things, there tends to be a downside.
BEWARE: this image may burn your retinas so proceed with caution:
Favre was the founding member of the Old-man Ass but he certainly won't be the last, so proceed with caution whilst ogling as the OMA can strike at any time.
Not So Mainstream Athlete Crushes
Now, I have to say I love sports for the actual game: the big hit in hockey, the finesse of the puck flying in top-shelf, the 4th down conversion, the walk-off single, Ron Artest style basketball brawls (sorry, not a huge bball fan.) In my ranking order of the big 4 sports my love goes as follows: NHL (hockey), NFL (football), MLB (baseball) & (very much last&least) NBA (basketball.)
So while I do genuinely enjoy watching sports for the content I am lucky enough to be a girl so as an added bonus there are the men I get to stare at while enjoying their prowess on the ice, field & court.
Most of us ladies are familiar with the big time athletes of hottness: the Tom Bradys, the Jacoby Elsburys (or Derek Jeters if Yankee scum is your thing), the flowing locks of hockey haired men (I personally love 'em all) or the Kobe Bryants of the game (again, if Laker-possibly-a-rapist-scum is your thing.)
That being said I've recently been pulled away from just the big 4 pool of attractive men & have gone a little hipster in my athlete crushes (not true hipster as I am always so far behind trends its laughable.) It all started with snowboarding then it snowballed (hah) from there onto surfing, skateboarding... I've even dabbled in the ogling of Nascar & golf men...& no, I am not proud to admit that.
So for your viewing pleasure I've included my top 4 favorite athletes you may not have heard of:
[One quick caveat - I've got wicked weird taste in guys & via youtube/action sport videos you tend to see personalities as well so that tends to put a curve on the attraction scale]
1.Scotty Lago - This is where my addiction to snowboarding vids started. He's from the town over from mine in NH & during the Olympics all the Papa Ginos & gas stations I had to drive by every weekend were wishing Lago luck. Having no idea who he was I google'd/youtube'd & from there it was history. Kid seems chill as hell & this is the video that got me hooked on watching pretty much every snowboarding video ever.
Additionally, pretty sure his family owns the ice cream place I've gone to since I was about 7 so bonus points for that.
[Author's Sidenote: I feel creepier doing this than ogling football player's bums & the sweet flowing mullets of hockey players because these guys seem more real. Whatevs, sign me up for that restraining order!]
2. Ian Walsh - This one slightly stems from my snowboarding obsession as the trail can be traced as follows: the trailer for Art of Flight (can't even WAIT to see this) was jointly done with Red Bull & Brain Farm, from visiting Brain Farm's site I found this video. So lets run down the checklist: Adorable? Yup. Sense of humor? Seems like it. Lives in paradise & I could totes get on board with that? Double check. & so my surfer man crush was born.
PS How much do I love a dude in plaid? I'd also like to borrow that shirt, looks comfy.
3. Ryan Sheckler - He's actually pretty main stream & also makes me feel (if possible) even creepier than I already do writing this post as I'm pretty sure he's only 21. However, once you are legally able to drink yourself comatose you're fair game. Kid had an MTV reality show a few years back that I'll admit I never watched because quite frankly those shows make me feel so uncomfortable it's not worth the eye-candy opportunity.
He also had - hands down - the weirdest comments on his site. One girl legit asked him to be her boyfriend in a very lengthy, entirely caps lock message with multiple misspellings & a whole lotta red flags that screamed 'future restraining order required.' (Call me a hypocrite but I like to look, not contact via the internet saying 'We're soo meant to be! I so know you because of a few photos & 2 minute interview clips!')
4. Alex 'Loggy' Lagemann - Ok, so this one is kind of cheating because he's now going pro in rapping rather than in an actual sport BUT he did play football at UC Berkley so I'm counting it. If you doubt that a kid that looks this white & goofy can rap then check this out.
While you're at it take a look at his music with Radical Something because guys in shirts & ties that have no business wearing a shirt & tie are right up there with plaid shirts in my book.
So there we have it. Four replacement crushes from four not so mainstream sports. Kind of an odd selection & to be honest when I started I thought I had more but oh well, at least you get a taster!
So while I do genuinely enjoy watching sports for the content I am lucky enough to be a girl so as an added bonus there are the men I get to stare at while enjoying their prowess on the ice, field & court.
Most of us ladies are familiar with the big time athletes of hottness: the Tom Bradys, the Jacoby Elsburys (or Derek Jeters if Yankee scum is your thing), the flowing locks of hockey haired men (I personally love 'em all) or the Kobe Bryants of the game (again, if Laker-possibly-a-rapist-scum is your thing.)
That being said I've recently been pulled away from just the big 4 pool of attractive men & have gone a little hipster in my athlete crushes (not true hipster as I am always so far behind trends its laughable.) It all started with snowboarding then it snowballed (hah) from there onto surfing, skateboarding... I've even dabbled in the ogling of Nascar & golf men...& no, I am not proud to admit that.
So for your viewing pleasure I've included my top 4 favorite athletes you may not have heard of:
[One quick caveat - I've got wicked weird taste in guys & via youtube/action sport videos you tend to see personalities as well so that tends to put a curve on the attraction scale]
1.Scotty Lago - This is where my addiction to snowboarding vids started. He's from the town over from mine in NH & during the Olympics all the Papa Ginos & gas stations I had to drive by every weekend were wishing Lago luck. Having no idea who he was I google'd/youtube'd & from there it was history. Kid seems chill as hell & this is the video that got me hooked on watching pretty much every snowboarding video ever.
[Author's Sidenote: I feel creepier doing this than ogling football player's bums & the sweet flowing mullets of hockey players because these guys seem more real. Whatevs, sign me up for that restraining order!]
2. Ian Walsh - This one slightly stems from my snowboarding obsession as the trail can be traced as follows: the trailer for Art of Flight (can't even WAIT to see this) was jointly done with Red Bull & Brain Farm, from visiting Brain Farm's site I found this video. So lets run down the checklist: Adorable? Yup. Sense of humor? Seems like it. Lives in paradise & I could totes get on board with that? Double check. & so my surfer man crush was born.
3. Ryan Sheckler - He's actually pretty main stream & also makes me feel (if possible) even creepier than I already do writing this post as I'm pretty sure he's only 21. However, once you are legally able to drink yourself comatose you're fair game. Kid had an MTV reality show a few years back that I'll admit I never watched because quite frankly those shows make me feel so uncomfortable it's not worth the eye-candy opportunity.
4. Alex 'Loggy' Lagemann - Ok, so this one is kind of cheating because he's now going pro in rapping rather than in an actual sport BUT he did play football at UC Berkley so I'm counting it. If you doubt that a kid that looks this white & goofy can rap then check this out.
So there we have it. Four replacement crushes from four not so mainstream sports. Kind of an odd selection & to be honest when I started I thought I had more but oh well, at least you get a taster!
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Irish Exit
Ah yes, the fabled Irish Exit...so this isn't technically a sporting related event however it is a useful skill to have. I have been perfecting this since college when I would drunkenly realize my time had come and it was time to be sent home. There are always barriers to the Irish Exit so here are some tips to successfully accomplish a discreet exit:
1. Once you make the decision that you want to discreetly exit a location and are sure of your ability to make your own way home, start mapping your exits. The most successful Exit is at a bar you're familiar with. In these cases casually mention you're going to the bathroom. After doing so, make sure you have all of your belongings (purse, jacket, phone etc.)
2. Silently push your way through the crowd. Do NOT say good bye to ANY ONE. Discretion is key in the Exit. Even if you see your own mother, give a slight nod and move along.
3. Should you run into any friends/acquaintances on your way out simply glance at them and say "Oh yeah, I just have to go...real bad...see you in a bit" then continue on your way. If you're a smoker, even better because then there's a valid reason for going outside.
4. When you spy the exit, don't run. Running is a rookie mistake as it tips people off that you're escaping alone. Instead, slowly make your way towards the entrance while avoiding eye contact with any one around you.
5. Once you hit the fresh air don't assume you're home free. There tend to be smoking lurkers so just move along at a normal pace even though you might be tempted by the pizza place directly next to the bar. This is a special distraction to the Exit so try to avoid it.
6. Make your way home carefully...I cannot stress that enough: if you're not the drinking type that can make it home on their own do not even attempt an Irish exit!! Do feel free to grab some food on the way though as long as its a safe distance from the bar with low possibility of being caught - I recommend kebabs.
The Morning After: odds are, if you're a rookie Irish exiter, your friends are going to be none too happy about you ghosting. Best advice is to not bring it up unless they do. If it's brought up then make your apologies, say you just didn't want to embarrass yourself because you were sooo drunk & leave it at that.
Happy Exiting!
1. Once you make the decision that you want to discreetly exit a location and are sure of your ability to make your own way home, start mapping your exits. The most successful Exit is at a bar you're familiar with. In these cases casually mention you're going to the bathroom. After doing so, make sure you have all of your belongings (purse, jacket, phone etc.)
2. Silently push your way through the crowd. Do NOT say good bye to ANY ONE. Discretion is key in the Exit. Even if you see your own mother, give a slight nod and move along.
3. Should you run into any friends/acquaintances on your way out simply glance at them and say "Oh yeah, I just have to go...real bad...see you in a bit" then continue on your way. If you're a smoker, even better because then there's a valid reason for going outside.
4. When you spy the exit, don't run. Running is a rookie mistake as it tips people off that you're escaping alone. Instead, slowly make your way towards the entrance while avoiding eye contact with any one around you.
5. Once you hit the fresh air don't assume you're home free. There tend to be smoking lurkers so just move along at a normal pace even though you might be tempted by the pizza place directly next to the bar. This is a special distraction to the Exit so try to avoid it.
6. Make your way home carefully...I cannot stress that enough: if you're not the drinking type that can make it home on their own do not even attempt an Irish exit!! Do feel free to grab some food on the way though as long as its a safe distance from the bar with low possibility of being caught - I recommend kebabs.
The Morning After: odds are, if you're a rookie Irish exiter, your friends are going to be none too happy about you ghosting. Best advice is to not bring it up unless they do. If it's brought up then make your apologies, say you just didn't want to embarrass yourself because you were sooo drunk & leave it at that.
Happy Exiting!
Friday, August 19, 2011
The 'OFMo'
This is a term I came up with watching countless snowboarding movies where guys ate it on missed tricks & then realized it could be extended to all sporting events soo onto the explanation we go!
'OFMo' is that turning point where you, as an individual athlete, member of a team or fan of either realizes that you're/they're going to fail in your/their athletic attempt.
It stands for the 'oh-fuck-moment.'
As stated above, I first coined this term while watching snowboarding videos & it tends to give some of the best examples of the OFMo such as this ...if you skip to 3:50 on the video you'll see the definition of the OFMo. Everything is going fine, flying through the air, when oh fuck you realize you did not do that trick right & you're about to face plant.
So from that initial development of the OFMo in snowboarding I realized this magical term can extend to all sports. My personal favorite is the third goal in Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals as you can almost hear the crowd going "Oh fuck, we cannot come back from this."
This little gem of a term can also extend into various real life situations. Picture it: you're out shopping on Newbury St., found parking on the street, threw a couple coins in the meter & hit the shops knowing you had to be back in two hours. All of a sudden, four stores & two margaritas later you glance at your watch to note the time & "Oh fuck, I now have a boot on my car tire."
OR it's Sunday morning, you're hungover & getting ready to pay for your delicious greasy diner meal. You slowly go to grab your wallet, dismayed to find no cash, "Oh its totes ok!" you say to the waitress, "I'll put it on my debit card!" As your leaden fingers fumble about for your bank card it all comes screaming back to you & you remember "oh fuck, I did not close my tab at the bar last night."
There you have it: a new term to describe any moment in your life that angrily smacks you in the middle of the forehead & yells that you done messed up.
'OFMo' is that turning point where you, as an individual athlete, member of a team or fan of either realizes that you're/they're going to fail in your/their athletic attempt.
It stands for the 'oh-fuck-moment.'
As stated above, I first coined this term while watching snowboarding videos & it tends to give some of the best examples of the OFMo such as this ...if you skip to 3:50 on the video you'll see the definition of the OFMo. Everything is going fine, flying through the air, when oh fuck you realize you did not do that trick right & you're about to face plant.
So from that initial development of the OFMo in snowboarding I realized this magical term can extend to all sports. My personal favorite is the third goal in Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals as you can almost hear the crowd going "Oh fuck, we cannot come back from this."
This little gem of a term can also extend into various real life situations. Picture it: you're out shopping on Newbury St., found parking on the street, threw a couple coins in the meter & hit the shops knowing you had to be back in two hours. All of a sudden, four stores & two margaritas later you glance at your watch to note the time & "Oh fuck, I now have a boot on my car tire."
OR it's Sunday morning, you're hungover & getting ready to pay for your delicious greasy diner meal. You slowly go to grab your wallet, dismayed to find no cash, "Oh its totes ok!" you say to the waitress, "I'll put it on my debit card!" As your leaden fingers fumble about for your bank card it all comes screaming back to you & you remember "oh fuck, I did not close my tab at the bar last night."
There you have it: a new term to describe any moment in your life that angrily smacks you in the middle of the forehead & yells that you done messed up.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
The Girls Guide to Fantasy Football
Needless to say, it's been awhile. & there was much in the sporting world I missed out on discussing: most importantly the Boston Bruins winning the Stanley Cup. However, since I was trapped in England & missed out on the majority of the playoffs I was relatively bitter so I refused to write.
But! with my impending return to the US of A set for the end of September, you can expect more action here.
And so that brings us to the first post of the Fall season: Fantasy Football!
This will be my third season as a participant in a fantasy football league & for me I began since my boyfriend at the time was in one & I had just discovered my love for the game. Now, if you're a girl that is simply a casual observer of the game but are worried about your boyfriend ignoring you in favor of fantasy football stats, missing out on the office pool & ensuing banter or simply have a gambling problem then this is the guide for you!
1. The Name - as girls, we like to be witty & clever while tending to look down upon men as, well, not. The exception to this seems to be the fantasy football team name; you'd be surprised at what these boys will come up with. Some examples: Favre Dollar Footlongs, Kibbles & Vick, Corn on the Schaub & Washing Some Headskins. For the most part, boys will do a play on words refrencing specific players or teams but there are also the ubiquitous options of names such as Multiple Scoregasams, TDs & Beer and Fourth Down Syndrome.
Now clearly being politically correct is not a requirement so go wild out there & try to come up with something that is original, football based & makes the guys say 'Oh shit, this girl knows her stuff.' (Even if you have to cheat by Google'ing football terms & going from there.)
2. The Draft - the first draft I was involved in I set it to auto-draft which will pick the best player available according to the site's ranking of players. While this is a good way to get a decent team I prefer to do it myself as I'm prone to picking a QB first (a big FF no-no as you're meant to take a solid RB first.) I go for the QB because if you get a good one that throws a lot of TDs that's easy points. So usually, I pick the best QB available then start going down the recommended list. Don't get all fancy & pick 'underdogs' that are way down the list. While they might have a breakout year, odds are you're going to spend the year breaking down about being in last.
Another positive on the live draft is the shit-talking; even if you don't participate it's like being invited into the boy's club as they tend to not moderate what they say due to only the one or two ladies present.
3. Match play - depending on the set-up of your league game play should be head-to-head match play meaning your team goes up against another team in your league. This is prime time to talk shit & its particularly sweet to beat the boys. While odds are the boys are going to have the better team, you'll still win at least a game or two & that will be a sweet, sweet day to taunt the men.
Some final tips: don't bet more than $20-30 unless you're rolling in the dough as its unlikely you'll win (sad but true.) Do not, I repeat, do NOT ever whine if a guy trash talks in an inappropriate manner or a trade doesn't go through your way - you're playing in their territory & you will automatically validate all womanly complaints they had about letting 'a chick in the league' (again - sad but true.) And finally, have fun out there. Its just a game & it ends up being an amusing distraction on those hungover Monday's at work trying to see if you won your match or if you still have players to go in MNF.
Now obviously this guide is not telling you how to win. Because lets face it, I've never come in higher than 5th in my league. What it will give you is a good time, a little casual gambling & a chance to piss off a bunch of guys by getting involved in their business. Additional benefits of joining a fantasy league is you tend to pay more attention to what is going on in games (besides just your hometown team) because you have certain players you're interested in. Nothing like a little competitive action to spice up your Sunday!
But! with my impending return to the US of A set for the end of September, you can expect more action here.
And so that brings us to the first post of the Fall season: Fantasy Football!
This will be my third season as a participant in a fantasy football league & for me I began since my boyfriend at the time was in one & I had just discovered my love for the game. Now, if you're a girl that is simply a casual observer of the game but are worried about your boyfriend ignoring you in favor of fantasy football stats, missing out on the office pool & ensuing banter or simply have a gambling problem then this is the guide for you!
1. The Name - as girls, we like to be witty & clever while tending to look down upon men as, well, not. The exception to this seems to be the fantasy football team name; you'd be surprised at what these boys will come up with. Some examples: Favre Dollar Footlongs, Kibbles & Vick, Corn on the Schaub & Washing Some Headskins. For the most part, boys will do a play on words refrencing specific players or teams but there are also the ubiquitous options of names such as Multiple Scoregasams, TDs & Beer and Fourth Down Syndrome.
Now clearly being politically correct is not a requirement so go wild out there & try to come up with something that is original, football based & makes the guys say 'Oh shit, this girl knows her stuff.' (Even if you have to cheat by Google'ing football terms & going from there.)
2. The Draft - the first draft I was involved in I set it to auto-draft which will pick the best player available according to the site's ranking of players. While this is a good way to get a decent team I prefer to do it myself as I'm prone to picking a QB first (a big FF no-no as you're meant to take a solid RB first.) I go for the QB because if you get a good one that throws a lot of TDs that's easy points. So usually, I pick the best QB available then start going down the recommended list. Don't get all fancy & pick 'underdogs' that are way down the list. While they might have a breakout year, odds are you're going to spend the year breaking down about being in last.
Another positive on the live draft is the shit-talking; even if you don't participate it's like being invited into the boy's club as they tend to not moderate what they say due to only the one or two ladies present.
3. Match play - depending on the set-up of your league game play should be head-to-head match play meaning your team goes up against another team in your league. This is prime time to talk shit & its particularly sweet to beat the boys. While odds are the boys are going to have the better team, you'll still win at least a game or two & that will be a sweet, sweet day to taunt the men.
Some final tips: don't bet more than $20-30 unless you're rolling in the dough as its unlikely you'll win (sad but true.) Do not, I repeat, do NOT ever whine if a guy trash talks in an inappropriate manner or a trade doesn't go through your way - you're playing in their territory & you will automatically validate all womanly complaints they had about letting 'a chick in the league' (again - sad but true.) And finally, have fun out there. Its just a game & it ends up being an amusing distraction on those hungover Monday's at work trying to see if you won your match or if you still have players to go in MNF.
Now obviously this guide is not telling you how to win. Because lets face it, I've never come in higher than 5th in my league. What it will give you is a good time, a little casual gambling & a chance to piss off a bunch of guys by getting involved in their business. Additional benefits of joining a fantasy league is you tend to pay more attention to what is going on in games (besides just your hometown team) because you have certain players you're interested in. Nothing like a little competitive action to spice up your Sunday!
Saturday, April 09, 2011
Attending a Live Game
Its the most wonderful time of year: the beginning of baseball season!
Not only that, hockey & basketball are still going on so there are plenty of opportunities for some live sporting action. Whether its your first live game or fiftieth, here are some helpful hints I've learned over the years:
1. For God's sake do NOT where pink team memorbilia. I once saw a little girl in a pink Bruins (hockey) jersey and I nearly clotheslined her as she went past. While it may look all cute and feminine, in reality you're putting a target on your back that says "rookie."
2. PACE YOURSELF. The most important rule of tailgating or baseball games is "it's a marathon, not a sprint." This is mostly important for football where you'll be tailgating for a few hours then attending a three hourish game but it also applies to baseball and hockey (especially afternoon games if you're trying to make it out on the town later.) If you're at a game with any male, remember they tend to be bigger and whether we like to admit it they can out drink us based sheerly on their larger size. The last thing you want is to be that girl vomiting on the side of Lansdowne Street at the end of a Sox game.
3. Beware the away game live game if its a big time rivalry. As a bright-eyed 13-year old attending my first Sox-Yankee game at old Yankee Stadium I believed I was exempt from critique due to my age so I happily bounced into the stadium decked out in a Red Sox jersey. I quickly learned drunk sporting fans do. not. care. about your age...they will harrass you. I'm not saying don't rep your team, just be aware of the consequences and learn how to spot the glazed eyed look of the overtly drunk that will push it too far and ruin the experience.
4. Chat with your neighbors. Even opposing team supporters. It results in delightful banter and/or the always enjoyable debates about who's team is better. Just try not to let it devolve into screaming matches which can result in flying pieces of pizza and/or flying fists. No one wants to get a taser gun to the dome to ruin a day out at the ballpark.
5. Learn the art of pre-game. And quickly. Venues are expensive as hell and the last thing you want is to be spending $9.00 for every Bud Light you drink. Sneaking booze in can be tricky but worth it. If you're a girl with a large purse just bury it at the bottom in a water bottle and they usually just let you pass by without too much in depth digging. Just be aware of the consequences should you be caught and be prepared to cry on command.
6. While the more expensive seats offer a better view at any stadium, odds are you'll have an overall better time in the bleacher/nose-bleed section. The fans tend to be more blue-collar and "true fans" versus the guys who strolled out of work, still dressed in suits that show up mid-way through the first period, inning, quarter, etc. It also gives you more cash to spend on beer/munchies.
Welp, that's all I've got for now. So get out there & enjoy!
Not only that, hockey & basketball are still going on so there are plenty of opportunities for some live sporting action. Whether its your first live game or fiftieth, here are some helpful hints I've learned over the years:
1. For God's sake do NOT where pink team memorbilia. I once saw a little girl in a pink Bruins (hockey) jersey and I nearly clotheslined her as she went past. While it may look all cute and feminine, in reality you're putting a target on your back that says "rookie."
2. PACE YOURSELF. The most important rule of tailgating or baseball games is "it's a marathon, not a sprint." This is mostly important for football where you'll be tailgating for a few hours then attending a three hourish game but it also applies to baseball and hockey (especially afternoon games if you're trying to make it out on the town later.) If you're at a game with any male, remember they tend to be bigger and whether we like to admit it they can out drink us based sheerly on their larger size. The last thing you want is to be that girl vomiting on the side of Lansdowne Street at the end of a Sox game.
3. Beware the away game live game if its a big time rivalry. As a bright-eyed 13-year old attending my first Sox-Yankee game at old Yankee Stadium I believed I was exempt from critique due to my age so I happily bounced into the stadium decked out in a Red Sox jersey. I quickly learned drunk sporting fans do. not. care. about your age...they will harrass you. I'm not saying don't rep your team, just be aware of the consequences and learn how to spot the glazed eyed look of the overtly drunk that will push it too far and ruin the experience.
4. Chat with your neighbors. Even opposing team supporters. It results in delightful banter and/or the always enjoyable debates about who's team is better. Just try not to let it devolve into screaming matches which can result in flying pieces of pizza and/or flying fists. No one wants to get a taser gun to the dome to ruin a day out at the ballpark.
5. Learn the art of pre-game. And quickly. Venues are expensive as hell and the last thing you want is to be spending $9.00 for every Bud Light you drink. Sneaking booze in can be tricky but worth it. If you're a girl with a large purse just bury it at the bottom in a water bottle and they usually just let you pass by without too much in depth digging. Just be aware of the consequences should you be caught and be prepared to cry on command.
6. While the more expensive seats offer a better view at any stadium, odds are you'll have an overall better time in the bleacher/nose-bleed section. The fans tend to be more blue-collar and "true fans" versus the guys who strolled out of work, still dressed in suits that show up mid-way through the first period, inning, quarter, etc. It also gives you more cash to spend on beer/munchies.
Welp, that's all I've got for now. So get out there & enjoy!
Beginners Guide to the Masters
It's that time of year where the grass begins to reappear after a season buried under ten feet of snow, flowers bloom and men start hitting a little white ball with long sticks into a small hole. So if your father/brother/boyfriend/husband/non-lipstick lesbian lover is anything like my dad and brother you'll be subjected to a weekend of watching paint dry, or more popularly known as the Masters. And if you're more likely to ask "why do some of the players have to carry their own clubs?" than you are to discuss the likelihood of Tiger Woods overtaking Jack Nicklaus' record amount of winning majors then this is the guide for you!
Short Guide to the Game:
I'll be honest, watching golf on TV manages to be about as much fun as getting a cavity filled: tedious, a little bit painful but if you're lucky you're numb for most of it (I recommend starting with Bloody Mary's then moving onto a light beer as the game goes on for-ev-er.) For the most part you'll be subjected to two days of lengthy coverage when only the last day really matters. Sunday is the biggest day and actually ends up being a decent way to sweat out a hangover since it gives you hours and hours of "entertainment" as the field is split into pairs and their starting time staggered with the leaders going out last.
Now, onto the basics!
1. The lower your score, the better. A little hard to grasp when a negative score is a good thing but the broadcast will helpfully highlight who is a leader and who they are simply showing because they have a rockin' outfit on that day.
2. Golf is filled with silly rules that can cause bad penalties such as grounding your club in a hazard...if you'd like to impress your significant other casually throw out how that really isn't fair on some courses since sometimes the hazards aren't marked.
3. If you win the Masters you receive a cheap, polyester-looking green blazer (similar to the gold one as portrayed in the film Happy Gilmore.) I am told this is a prestigious coat to receive however its style is on par with the fact the same jacket has been awarded since 1949.
4. The course where the Masters is held, Augusta National, does not allow women as members. Should you be a feminist and distraught about this I simply say it's not that we're not allowed in, we're just smart enough to avoid wanting to hang out with 300 old, white men.
That's about all you really need to know regarding the actual game but here are some notable players:
Rory McIlroy: This curly-headed little Irishman is currently in the lead so odds are you'll see a lot of him. Not much to say about him except that I'm slightly jealous of his fro.
Dustin Johnson: Not very high up on the leaderboard for this tournament but he's a nice bit of eye-candy and an enjoyable player as I've watched him choke in two different tournaments. Fun personal fact: arrested for a DUI, who knew golfers get down like that.
Phil Mickelson: Last years winner so you'll see a lot of him. Bit of a sob/heartfelt story as he was always a bridesmaid never a bride in winning one of these things until last year. Also, his wife has cancer and he apparently didn't sleep with 18 other women so people tend to like him. Personally, there's something about the way his pants pull awkwardly along with his too tight tucked in shirt that makes me slightly uncomfortable.
Nick Watney: One of the only other marginally attractive players in the field. Do NOT allow the male you're watching with to claim he is Red Sox broadcaster Heidi Watney's brother...it's a lie.
Padraig Harrington: A personal favorite who unfortunately didn't make the cut so you'll be missing out on the opportunity to hear drunk Irish spectators shouting "Git in da hole!" every time he tees off.
Annnnnd finally:
Tiger Woods: Not much more can be said about him that hasn't already but I can say even before Hookergate I never liked him. He just irked me and I was strangely vindicated by his fall from grace. Either way a fun "what if?" topic you can throw out there on Sunday to stimulate some type of conversation is "How pissed do you think he'd be in everyone showed up on the last day wearing red?" I like to think he'd take a page out of Elin's book and hit them with his driver, but that's just me.
Welp, hope this guide comes in handy for your weekend. Enjoy your hours of endless broadcaster whispering, goofy outfits and if you're lucky you'll catch Tiger swearing like a sailor on national TV.
Short Guide to the Game:
I'll be honest, watching golf on TV manages to be about as much fun as getting a cavity filled: tedious, a little bit painful but if you're lucky you're numb for most of it (I recommend starting with Bloody Mary's then moving onto a light beer as the game goes on for-ev-er.) For the most part you'll be subjected to two days of lengthy coverage when only the last day really matters. Sunday is the biggest day and actually ends up being a decent way to sweat out a hangover since it gives you hours and hours of "entertainment" as the field is split into pairs and their starting time staggered with the leaders going out last.
Now, onto the basics!
1. The lower your score, the better. A little hard to grasp when a negative score is a good thing but the broadcast will helpfully highlight who is a leader and who they are simply showing because they have a rockin' outfit on that day.
2. Golf is filled with silly rules that can cause bad penalties such as grounding your club in a hazard...if you'd like to impress your significant other casually throw out how that really isn't fair on some courses since sometimes the hazards aren't marked.
3. If you win the Masters you receive a cheap, polyester-looking green blazer (similar to the gold one as portrayed in the film Happy Gilmore.) I am told this is a prestigious coat to receive however its style is on par with the fact the same jacket has been awarded since 1949.
4. The course where the Masters is held, Augusta National, does not allow women as members. Should you be a feminist and distraught about this I simply say it's not that we're not allowed in, we're just smart enough to avoid wanting to hang out with 300 old, white men.
That's about all you really need to know regarding the actual game but here are some notable players:
Rory McIlroy: This curly-headed little Irishman is currently in the lead so odds are you'll see a lot of him. Not much to say about him except that I'm slightly jealous of his fro.
Dustin Johnson: Not very high up on the leaderboard for this tournament but he's a nice bit of eye-candy and an enjoyable player as I've watched him choke in two different tournaments. Fun personal fact: arrested for a DUI, who knew golfers get down like that.
Phil Mickelson: Last years winner so you'll see a lot of him. Bit of a sob/heartfelt story as he was always a bridesmaid never a bride in winning one of these things until last year. Also, his wife has cancer and he apparently didn't sleep with 18 other women so people tend to like him. Personally, there's something about the way his pants pull awkwardly along with his too tight tucked in shirt that makes me slightly uncomfortable.
Nick Watney: One of the only other marginally attractive players in the field. Do NOT allow the male you're watching with to claim he is Red Sox broadcaster Heidi Watney's brother...it's a lie.
Padraig Harrington: A personal favorite who unfortunately didn't make the cut so you'll be missing out on the opportunity to hear drunk Irish spectators shouting "Git in da hole!" every time he tees off.
Annnnnd finally:
Tiger Woods: Not much more can be said about him that hasn't already but I can say even before Hookergate I never liked him. He just irked me and I was strangely vindicated by his fall from grace. Either way a fun "what if?" topic you can throw out there on Sunday to stimulate some type of conversation is "How pissed do you think he'd be in everyone showed up on the last day wearing red?" I like to think he'd take a page out of Elin's book and hit them with his driver, but that's just me.
Welp, hope this guide comes in handy for your weekend. Enjoy your hours of endless broadcaster whispering, goofy outfits and if you're lucky you'll catch Tiger swearing like a sailor on national TV.
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