It's that time of year where the grass begins to reappear after a season buried under ten feet of snow, flowers bloom and men start hitting a little white ball with long sticks into a small hole. So if your father/brother/boyfriend/husband/non-lipstick lesbian lover is anything like my dad and brother you'll be subjected to a weekend of watching paint dry, or more popularly known as the Masters. And if you're more likely to ask "why do some of the players have to carry their own clubs?" than you are to discuss the likelihood of Tiger Woods overtaking Jack Nicklaus' record amount of winning majors then this is the guide for you!
Short Guide to the Game:
I'll be honest, watching golf on TV manages to be about as much fun as getting a cavity filled: tedious, a little bit painful but if you're lucky you're numb for most of it (I recommend starting with Bloody Mary's then moving onto a light beer as the game goes on for-ev-er.) For the most part you'll be subjected to two days of lengthy coverage when only the last day really matters. Sunday is the biggest day and actually ends up being a decent way to sweat out a hangover since it gives you hours and hours of "entertainment" as the field is split into pairs and their starting time staggered with the leaders going out last.
Now, onto the basics!
1. The lower your score, the better. A little hard to grasp when a negative score is a good thing but the broadcast will helpfully highlight who is a leader and who they are simply showing because they have a rockin' outfit on that day.
2. Golf is filled with silly rules that can cause bad penalties such as grounding your club in a hazard...if you'd like to impress your significant other casually throw out how that really isn't fair on some courses since sometimes the hazards aren't marked.
3. If you win the Masters you receive a cheap, polyester-looking green blazer (similar to the gold one as portrayed in the film Happy Gilmore.) I am told this is a prestigious coat to receive however its style is on par with the fact the same jacket has been awarded since 1949.
4. The course where the Masters is held, Augusta National, does not allow women as members. Should you be a feminist and distraught about this I simply say it's not that we're not allowed in, we're just smart enough to avoid wanting to hang out with 300 old, white men.
That's about all you really need to know regarding the actual game but here are some notable players:
Rory McIlroy: This curly-headed little Irishman is currently in the lead so odds are you'll see a lot of him. Not much to say about him except that I'm slightly jealous of his fro.
Dustin Johnson: Not very high up on the leaderboard for this tournament but he's a nice bit of eye-candy and an enjoyable player as I've watched him choke in two different tournaments. Fun personal fact: arrested for a DUI, who knew golfers get down like that.
Phil Mickelson: Last years winner so you'll see a lot of him. Bit of a sob/heartfelt story as he was always a bridesmaid never a bride in winning one of these things until last year. Also, his wife has cancer and he apparently didn't sleep with 18 other women so people tend to like him. Personally, there's something about the way his pants pull awkwardly along with his too tight tucked in shirt that makes me slightly uncomfortable.
Nick Watney: One of the only other marginally attractive players in the field. Do NOT allow the male you're watching with to claim he is Red Sox broadcaster Heidi Watney's brother...it's a lie.
Padraig Harrington: A personal favorite who unfortunately didn't make the cut so you'll be missing out on the opportunity to hear drunk Irish spectators shouting "Git in da hole!" every time he tees off.
Annnnnd finally:
Tiger Woods: Not much more can be said about him that hasn't already but I can say even before Hookergate I never liked him. He just irked me and I was strangely vindicated by his fall from grace. Either way a fun "what if?" topic you can throw out there on Sunday to stimulate some type of conversation is "How pissed do you think he'd be in everyone showed up on the last day wearing red?" I like to think he'd take a page out of Elin's book and hit them with his driver, but that's just me.
Welp, hope this guide comes in handy for your weekend. Enjoy your hours of endless broadcaster whispering, goofy outfits and if you're lucky you'll catch Tiger swearing like a sailor on national TV.
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