Irish Exit

Ah yes, the fabled Irish Exit...so this isn't technically a sporting related event however it is a useful skill to have. I have been perfecting this since college when I would drunkenly realize my time had come and it was time to be sent home. There are always barriers to the Irish Exit so here are some tips to successfully accomplish a discreet exit:

1. Once you make the decision that you want to discreetly exit a location and are sure of your ability to make your own way home, start mapping your exits. The most successful Exit is at a bar you're familiar with. In these cases casually mention you're going to the bathroom. After doing so, make sure you have all of your belongings (purse, jacket, phone etc.)

2. Silently push your way through the crowd. Do NOT say good bye to ANY ONE. Discretion is key in the Exit. Even if you see your own mother, give a slight nod and move along.

3. Should you run into any friends/acquaintances on your way out simply glance at them and say "Oh yeah, I just have to go...real bad...see you in a bit" then continue on your way. If you're a smoker, even better because then there's a valid reason for going outside.

4. When you spy the exit, don't run. Running is a rookie mistake as it tips people off that you're escaping alone. Instead, slowly make your way towards the entrance while avoiding eye contact with any one around you.

5. Once you hit the fresh air don't assume you're home free. There tend to be smoking lurkers so just move along at a normal pace even though you might be tempted by the pizza place directly next to the bar. This is a special distraction to the Exit so try to avoid it.

6. Make your way home carefully...I cannot stress that enough: if you're not the drinking type that can make it home on their own do not even attempt an Irish exit!! Do feel free to grab some food on the way though as long as its a safe distance from the bar with low possibility of being caught - I recommend kebabs.

The Morning After: odds are, if you're a rookie Irish exiter, your friends are going to be none too happy about you ghosting. Best advice is to not bring it up unless they do. If it's brought up then make your apologies, say you just didn't want to embarrass yourself because you were sooo drunk & leave it at that.

Happy Exiting!