So I took my complaint about not getting my easy Bye game to a higher power in our league - the Commish.
I verbally harassed, in the usual manner of virtual yelling (caps lock), the commissioner of my league on gchat about how I had yet to have my opportunity to play the crappy team. My outrage was meant with confusion that I had yet to play our BG and an appropriate amount of sympathy about the fact that my team is absolutely terrible. That was until our commissioner paid a little visit to the history of our league and saw that I played the BG in Week 2, prior to his reveal as notorious Fantasy Football figure that he went on to be.
Crap (insert blushing, over-reactive emoticon here.)
Monday, November 21, 2011
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Fantasy Football Figures: the Bye-Guy
Welcome to the second installment of FFF! This week we address what most people would refer to in their league as "the Ghost" or in my view: the Bye-Guy.
Not much can be said of this elusive & sly character as he is an anomaly in most leagues. While there can be a number of Zealots in any given league, there tends to be only one Bye-Guy.
How to recognize him:
1. Might be gungho in the beginning while discussing the league & agreeing to participate or he could have been dragged in against his own free will in order to even out the number of teams in the league. Either way, it's hard to spot the Bye-Guy in the beginning.
2. Usually auto-drafts in a league that frowns upon auto-draft coming up with a lame excuse why he couldn't: "I hit traffic & won't be at a computer," "I'm out to dinner - I'll log in as soon as I get home," "I broke my mouse-clicking finger" etc. etc.
3. Reveals himself in the second or third week at the earliest. As telling by the fact that a) he NEVER sets his line-up, b) makes no moves on the waiver-wire, c) leaves in players on the IR and d) (the most obvious) leaves players in who are on a Bye (defined: each team gets a "Bye week" for the season where they do not play. Therefore, their players are unable to score points.)
4. Is viewed by the rest of the league as an easy win & a chance to relax a bit. Similar to a real Bye game for the fantasy world hence the term Bye-Guy.
There you have it, its a short & (not so) sweet description of the most frustrating member of your league. I for one have apparently managed to be the only one NOT playing against our Bye-Guy which is crap because I'm at the bottom of the barrel & am forced to play another good team because the gods of yahoo.com are against me winning. Bush league.
Not much can be said of this elusive & sly character as he is an anomaly in most leagues. While there can be a number of Zealots in any given league, there tends to be only one Bye-Guy.
How to recognize him:
1. Might be gungho in the beginning while discussing the league & agreeing to participate or he could have been dragged in against his own free will in order to even out the number of teams in the league. Either way, it's hard to spot the Bye-Guy in the beginning.
2. Usually auto-drafts in a league that frowns upon auto-draft coming up with a lame excuse why he couldn't: "I hit traffic & won't be at a computer," "I'm out to dinner - I'll log in as soon as I get home," "I broke my mouse-clicking finger" etc. etc.
3. Reveals himself in the second or third week at the earliest. As telling by the fact that a) he NEVER sets his line-up, b) makes no moves on the waiver-wire, c) leaves in players on the IR and d) (the most obvious) leaves players in who are on a Bye (defined: each team gets a "Bye week" for the season where they do not play. Therefore, their players are unable to score points.)
4. Is viewed by the rest of the league as an easy win & a chance to relax a bit. Similar to a real Bye game for the fantasy world hence the term Bye-Guy.
There you have it, its a short & (not so) sweet description of the most frustrating member of your league. I for one have apparently managed to be the only one NOT playing against our Bye-Guy which is crap because I'm at the bottom of the barrel & am forced to play another good team because the gods of yahoo.com are against me winning. Bush league.
Monday, November 14, 2011
The Must-Know Movie: Hockey Edition
Now, recently I've become aware of the fact that I know a bit more about sports than the average girl. I'm semi-proud of this & semi-ashamed because sometimes I'm pretty sure God started to make me a boy then halfway through changed his mind. Two recent occasions made me realize there is half-pride, half-shame in my sporting knowledge:
Two separate nights out, in two separate party atmospheres (one bar, one Halloween house party) I managed to spend the majority of the evening chatting with members of the opposite sex about...you guessed it, sports! Both were impressed by my knowledge, neither were interested in me as a girl - go figure.
BUT I think that's because when I get on a sport roll, I don't shut up so my recommendation is that a little bit of knowledge spread evenly might work which gave me the idea for this particular blog as this is meant to be a helpful guide to girls who potentially don't know much about the wide and varied world of sports.
So let this be my first "self-help" blog for the girl hunting a hockey hunk!
Say you're at your local watering hole & a dude like this:
catches your eye. What on earth will you talk to about with this stunning specimen of a gent? Using your powers of deductive reasoning you decide the bloke must play puck so you approach him, sipping your Molson Canadian brew and make your initial contact. He casually mentions he plays hockey & immediately you try to think of something witty & fun to say that will ensnare him. That's where this info comes in!
The hockey must know movie, regardless of the age of the player, is without a doubt:
Slap Shot (1977)
I don't exactly recommend this as an opening pickup line because that would be a bit weird but subtly thread it into the conversation if the topic of hockey comes up. While I strongly recommend watching the flick as it is extremely funny (although rated R in every sense of the word) here's a crib sheet if you don't feel like spending 120 minutes of your life watching Paul Newman in all his blue-eyed glory.
Must know characters:
Reggie Dunlop played by Hollywood hunk Paul Newman. Dunlop is the player/coach of the Charleston Chiefs (yes, you without a doubt should also know the name of the team.) He has some money one-liners and is overall the heart & soul of the team. One of my favorite (& warning - more inappropriate) one-liner is:
Opposing Player (name not necessary): "Dunlop, you suck cock.
Reggie Dunlop: "All I can get."
So that gives you a bit of perspective on the type of movie it is.
Other necessary scenes/players to know:
Hanson brothers - these guys:
NOT these guys:
The Hanson brothers are resident goons/dim-wit fighters. Watch this brief clip to get the gist of them, they're awesome.
Bonus tip: at one point in the movie the Hanson brothers go into the stands to fight fans due to a bottle that hits one of the brothers. If your hockey prey is in Boston, you can mention the '79 Bruins going into the stands at Madison Square Garden & Mike Milbury beating a guy with his own shoe. (Clip of Slap Shot with Bruins announcer from that fight seen here.)
There you have it, its short & sweet & will impress that dude until your shining, girly personality wins him over. Happy hockey hunting!
Two separate nights out, in two separate party atmospheres (one bar, one Halloween house party) I managed to spend the majority of the evening chatting with members of the opposite sex about...you guessed it, sports! Both were impressed by my knowledge, neither were interested in me as a girl - go figure.
BUT I think that's because when I get on a sport roll, I don't shut up so my recommendation is that a little bit of knowledge spread evenly might work which gave me the idea for this particular blog as this is meant to be a helpful guide to girls who potentially don't know much about the wide and varied world of sports.
So let this be my first "self-help" blog for the girl hunting a hockey hunk!
Say you're at your local watering hole & a dude like this:
The hockey must know movie, regardless of the age of the player, is without a doubt:
Slap Shot (1977)
I don't exactly recommend this as an opening pickup line because that would be a bit weird but subtly thread it into the conversation if the topic of hockey comes up. While I strongly recommend watching the flick as it is extremely funny (although rated R in every sense of the word) here's a crib sheet if you don't feel like spending 120 minutes of your life watching Paul Newman in all his blue-eyed glory.
Must know characters:
Reggie Dunlop played by Hollywood hunk Paul Newman. Dunlop is the player/coach of the Charleston Chiefs (yes, you without a doubt should also know the name of the team.) He has some money one-liners and is overall the heart & soul of the team. One of my favorite (& warning - more inappropriate) one-liner is:
Opposing Player (name not necessary): "Dunlop, you suck cock.
Reggie Dunlop: "All I can get."
So that gives you a bit of perspective on the type of movie it is.
Other necessary scenes/players to know:
Hanson brothers - these guys:
The Hanson brothers are resident goons/dim-wit fighters. Watch this brief clip to get the gist of them, they're awesome.
Bonus tip: at one point in the movie the Hanson brothers go into the stands to fight fans due to a bottle that hits one of the brothers. If your hockey prey is in Boston, you can mention the '79 Bruins going into the stands at Madison Square Garden & Mike Milbury beating a guy with his own shoe. (Clip of Slap Shot with Bruins announcer from that fight seen here.)
There you have it, its short & sweet & will impress that dude until your shining, girly personality wins him over. Happy hockey hunting!
Tuesday, November 08, 2011
Fantasy Football Figures: the Zealot
As stated before I am a member of a fantasy football league that is made up mostly of males. In the past few years of playing FF I have found there are a number of characters that show up in every league, regardless of who you're playing with. So now that we're at the midway point of the season I'm introducing a new weekly segment to the blog: Fantasy Football Figures!
We'll start off with a bang & get this dude (read: douche) out of the way: the Zealot.
There's, at the very least, one of them in every league if not more depending on how seriously/how much money is put into a season. For my particular league this year there are a number of managers that take it pretty seriously (my own brother being one of them...along with most of the league now that I think of it) but there's always that one that takes it just over the line of dedication to winning and into the land of holy shit dude, relax, it's just fantasy football.
How to recognize the Zealot in your league:
1. Pre-draft message board posts to the entire league about how he's going to win & how even though the draft order is screwing him over he'll be screwing all of you the rest of the season. Bonus points if he asks what time/day the draft is via the message board when it is already noted at the top of the page and/or written multiple times via email prior to league set-up.
2. Does one or more of the following during the actual draft: a) pre-draft aggressive smack talk about anyone who is not logged in at starting time/set to auto-draft (may go so far as recommending expulsion); b) asks about the payout structure, making sure to mention how he just wants to make sure anyone that comes in second to him will at least get their money back; or c) COMMENTS LIKE THIS ABOUT EVERYTHING. & I MEAN EV.ER.Y.THING.
3. Every week he is the most aggressive in everything - waiver wire, trades attempted, smack talk, etc...in general he (or I suppose it could also be a she) just really makes the whole vibe of the league feel a bit uncomfortable.
4. Mid-way through the season there will be at least one potential blow-out via message board for some reason or another initiated by the Zealot. The idea for this post actually came from my own league where I now offer an actual quote (misspellings kept in & all):
"Attempting to make a trade like that deserves expolsion from the league. Its a disgrace! This league is a disgrace. I'm ashamed to be a member of this league. We have teams not setting lineups, bullshit trades & probably 4 or 5 teams who actually know what they are doing & give a shit about fantasy football."
And that my friends, is the Zealot.
We'll start off with a bang & get this dude (read: douche) out of the way: the Zealot.
There's, at the very least, one of them in every league if not more depending on how seriously/how much money is put into a season. For my particular league this year there are a number of managers that take it pretty seriously (my own brother being one of them...along with most of the league now that I think of it) but there's always that one that takes it just over the line of dedication to winning and into the land of holy shit dude, relax, it's just fantasy football.
How to recognize the Zealot in your league:
1. Pre-draft message board posts to the entire league about how he's going to win & how even though the draft order is screwing him over he'll be screwing all of you the rest of the season. Bonus points if he asks what time/day the draft is via the message board when it is already noted at the top of the page and/or written multiple times via email prior to league set-up.
2. Does one or more of the following during the actual draft: a) pre-draft aggressive smack talk about anyone who is not logged in at starting time/set to auto-draft (may go so far as recommending expulsion); b) asks about the payout structure, making sure to mention how he just wants to make sure anyone that comes in second to him will at least get their money back; or c) COMMENTS LIKE THIS ABOUT EVERYTHING. & I MEAN EV.ER.Y.THING.
3. Every week he is the most aggressive in everything - waiver wire, trades attempted, smack talk, etc...in general he (or I suppose it could also be a she) just really makes the whole vibe of the league feel a bit uncomfortable.
4. Mid-way through the season there will be at least one potential blow-out via message board for some reason or another initiated by the Zealot. The idea for this post actually came from my own league where I now offer an actual quote (misspellings kept in & all):
"Attempting to make a trade like that deserves expolsion from the league. Its a disgrace! This league is a disgrace. I'm ashamed to be a member of this league. We have teams not setting lineups, bullshit trades & probably 4 or 5 teams who actually know what they are doing & give a shit about fantasy football."
And that my friends, is the Zealot.
Monday, November 07, 2011
New Terms: Old-Man Ass
Ah, football season...what a delightful time of the year! Sundays spent on the couch with family, food & beer while aggressively screaming at the television every time your team, as well as your individual fantasy players ef up (unfortunately - I've done a lot of yelling as of late particularly after this past Sunday's Giants @ Patriots game. & the fact I lost my fantasy game to my brother who just screamingly laughed in my ear since he's the worst team in the league.)
Moving on, one of my favorite things about football season is not only the hours of entertainment, but also the fact that I'm still learning the game. Now when I first started getting really into football (season of 2008 - not the best for the Patriots seeing as Brady got knocked out within the first 8 minutes but that's not the point) I had no flippin' idea what I was watching & I was only allowed a few questions a game so I had to find different ways to amuse myself.
Cue me staring at men's bums in tight football pants.
Now realistically, not all men are going to have very nice assets because it really doesn't have much bearing on how well they play BUT for the most part, running backs, wide-receivers & QBs have very nice bums.
Examples:
Mr. Tom Brady (obvi I start with him.) Not a fabulous bum, but added with who he is I can't get enough of it.
Ugh, I feel shame adding this pic as a Patriots fan but as a woman, well...you can see why Sanchez is added here.
Reggie Bush. Not sure I have to say much more.
Now...while a good majority of the men look good that's not the point of this particular post (although, I kind of got away from the point while Googling bum images) so to continue on to the point: with all good things, there tends to be a downside.
BEWARE: this image may burn your retinas so proceed with caution:
Ew ew ew ew EW...note the saggy-ness. The jock strap line. The general aura of old, past your primeness.
Favre was the founding member of the Old-man Ass but he certainly won't be the last, so proceed with caution whilst ogling as the OMA can strike at any time.
Moving on, one of my favorite things about football season is not only the hours of entertainment, but also the fact that I'm still learning the game. Now when I first started getting really into football (season of 2008 - not the best for the Patriots seeing as Brady got knocked out within the first 8 minutes but that's not the point) I had no flippin' idea what I was watching & I was only allowed a few questions a game so I had to find different ways to amuse myself.
Cue me staring at men's bums in tight football pants.
Now realistically, not all men are going to have very nice assets because it really doesn't have much bearing on how well they play BUT for the most part, running backs, wide-receivers & QBs have very nice bums.
Examples:
Now...while a good majority of the men look good that's not the point of this particular post (although, I kind of got away from the point while Googling bum images) so to continue on to the point: with all good things, there tends to be a downside.
BEWARE: this image may burn your retinas so proceed with caution:
Favre was the founding member of the Old-man Ass but he certainly won't be the last, so proceed with caution whilst ogling as the OMA can strike at any time.
Not So Mainstream Athlete Crushes
Now, I have to say I love sports for the actual game: the big hit in hockey, the finesse of the puck flying in top-shelf, the 4th down conversion, the walk-off single, Ron Artest style basketball brawls (sorry, not a huge bball fan.) In my ranking order of the big 4 sports my love goes as follows: NHL (hockey), NFL (football), MLB (baseball) & (very much last&least) NBA (basketball.)
So while I do genuinely enjoy watching sports for the content I am lucky enough to be a girl so as an added bonus there are the men I get to stare at while enjoying their prowess on the ice, field & court.
Most of us ladies are familiar with the big time athletes of hottness: the Tom Bradys, the Jacoby Elsburys (or Derek Jeters if Yankee scum is your thing), the flowing locks of hockey haired men (I personally love 'em all) or the Kobe Bryants of the game (again, if Laker-possibly-a-rapist-scum is your thing.)
That being said I've recently been pulled away from just the big 4 pool of attractive men & have gone a little hipster in my athlete crushes (not true hipster as I am always so far behind trends its laughable.) It all started with snowboarding then it snowballed (hah) from there onto surfing, skateboarding... I've even dabbled in the ogling of Nascar & golf men...& no, I am not proud to admit that.
So for your viewing pleasure I've included my top 4 favorite athletes you may not have heard of:
[One quick caveat - I've got wicked weird taste in guys & via youtube/action sport videos you tend to see personalities as well so that tends to put a curve on the attraction scale]
1.Scotty Lago - This is where my addiction to snowboarding vids started. He's from the town over from mine in NH & during the Olympics all the Papa Ginos & gas stations I had to drive by every weekend were wishing Lago luck. Having no idea who he was I google'd/youtube'd & from there it was history. Kid seems chill as hell & this is the video that got me hooked on watching pretty much every snowboarding video ever.
Additionally, pretty sure his family owns the ice cream place I've gone to since I was about 7 so bonus points for that.
[Author's Sidenote: I feel creepier doing this than ogling football player's bums & the sweet flowing mullets of hockey players because these guys seem more real. Whatevs, sign me up for that restraining order!]
2. Ian Walsh - This one slightly stems from my snowboarding obsession as the trail can be traced as follows: the trailer for Art of Flight (can't even WAIT to see this) was jointly done with Red Bull & Brain Farm, from visiting Brain Farm's site I found this video. So lets run down the checklist: Adorable? Yup. Sense of humor? Seems like it. Lives in paradise & I could totes get on board with that? Double check. & so my surfer man crush was born.
PS How much do I love a dude in plaid? I'd also like to borrow that shirt, looks comfy.
3. Ryan Sheckler - He's actually pretty main stream & also makes me feel (if possible) even creepier than I already do writing this post as I'm pretty sure he's only 21. However, once you are legally able to drink yourself comatose you're fair game. Kid had an MTV reality show a few years back that I'll admit I never watched because quite frankly those shows make me feel so uncomfortable it's not worth the eye-candy opportunity.
He also had - hands down - the weirdest comments on his site. One girl legit asked him to be her boyfriend in a very lengthy, entirely caps lock message with multiple misspellings & a whole lotta red flags that screamed 'future restraining order required.' (Call me a hypocrite but I like to look, not contact via the internet saying 'We're soo meant to be! I so know you because of a few photos & 2 minute interview clips!')
4. Alex 'Loggy' Lagemann - Ok, so this one is kind of cheating because he's now going pro in rapping rather than in an actual sport BUT he did play football at UC Berkley so I'm counting it. If you doubt that a kid that looks this white & goofy can rap then check this out.
While you're at it take a look at his music with Radical Something because guys in shirts & ties that have no business wearing a shirt & tie are right up there with plaid shirts in my book.
So there we have it. Four replacement crushes from four not so mainstream sports. Kind of an odd selection & to be honest when I started I thought I had more but oh well, at least you get a taster!
So while I do genuinely enjoy watching sports for the content I am lucky enough to be a girl so as an added bonus there are the men I get to stare at while enjoying their prowess on the ice, field & court.
Most of us ladies are familiar with the big time athletes of hottness: the Tom Bradys, the Jacoby Elsburys (or Derek Jeters if Yankee scum is your thing), the flowing locks of hockey haired men (I personally love 'em all) or the Kobe Bryants of the game (again, if Laker-possibly-a-rapist-scum is your thing.)
That being said I've recently been pulled away from just the big 4 pool of attractive men & have gone a little hipster in my athlete crushes (not true hipster as I am always so far behind trends its laughable.) It all started with snowboarding then it snowballed (hah) from there onto surfing, skateboarding... I've even dabbled in the ogling of Nascar & golf men...& no, I am not proud to admit that.
So for your viewing pleasure I've included my top 4 favorite athletes you may not have heard of:
[One quick caveat - I've got wicked weird taste in guys & via youtube/action sport videos you tend to see personalities as well so that tends to put a curve on the attraction scale]
1.Scotty Lago - This is where my addiction to snowboarding vids started. He's from the town over from mine in NH & during the Olympics all the Papa Ginos & gas stations I had to drive by every weekend were wishing Lago luck. Having no idea who he was I google'd/youtube'd & from there it was history. Kid seems chill as hell & this is the video that got me hooked on watching pretty much every snowboarding video ever.
[Author's Sidenote: I feel creepier doing this than ogling football player's bums & the sweet flowing mullets of hockey players because these guys seem more real. Whatevs, sign me up for that restraining order!]
2. Ian Walsh - This one slightly stems from my snowboarding obsession as the trail can be traced as follows: the trailer for Art of Flight (can't even WAIT to see this) was jointly done with Red Bull & Brain Farm, from visiting Brain Farm's site I found this video. So lets run down the checklist: Adorable? Yup. Sense of humor? Seems like it. Lives in paradise & I could totes get on board with that? Double check. & so my surfer man crush was born.
3. Ryan Sheckler - He's actually pretty main stream & also makes me feel (if possible) even creepier than I already do writing this post as I'm pretty sure he's only 21. However, once you are legally able to drink yourself comatose you're fair game. Kid had an MTV reality show a few years back that I'll admit I never watched because quite frankly those shows make me feel so uncomfortable it's not worth the eye-candy opportunity.
4. Alex 'Loggy' Lagemann - Ok, so this one is kind of cheating because he's now going pro in rapping rather than in an actual sport BUT he did play football at UC Berkley so I'm counting it. If you doubt that a kid that looks this white & goofy can rap then check this out.
So there we have it. Four replacement crushes from four not so mainstream sports. Kind of an odd selection & to be honest when I started I thought I had more but oh well, at least you get a taster!
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